Little Miss Wonders

I’m sooooooo tired!!! Spent the weekend painting! I’d say all weekend I got about 14 hours sleep!Its still not finished, well the painting is but I need to put back everything and clean down. Mum is home this weekend so want everything to be nice and fresh!

Didn’t lose anything this week either, starting to get a bit frustrated. I’ve ate healthily, had my 5a day, drank plenty of water, but I suppose it is first week back at the gym so if I haven’t lost anything next week I’ll have my freakout then!

Loads to do in work today and not much new so will catch you later!

Um yea I stayed the same this week…this could be because I ate all around me due to father related stress at the weekend or the fact that I just wasn’t arsed going to the gym last week!

But last night I came back with a vengeance!  I did the cross trainer and weights (yes I could have done more cardio but give me a break), and tomorrow I will hit the bike and the cross trainer and weights before swimming. 

We’re also painting downstairs this weekend, oh and the bathroom!  Time to get the house back together after all the mistakes Dad has made in it.  I would like to be able to bring people into it next summer, maybe even have drinks in the back garden…so hopefully! If we can get downstairs done and a shower  and new toilet put in before Christmas I’ll be a happy ducky!

Not much else really going on with me at the moment, heading up to Norn Iron in a few weeks for a spot of shopping and have booked a weekend in England for early Jan so time to put the skates on and get myself back to 12 stone for the work christmas party! I might even wear a dress this time!

Well I am two pounds this week, although that two pounds could be my dignity (see previous post!).

But today is the day I head back to the gym! I have swimming this evening and while I’m still unsure as to whether I’ll venture into the gym I’m definately getting back on track.  I’m using the food tracker.  Have made sugar free jelly to keep in work for the days I get attacks of the munchies (like now, I am BLOODY STARVING, I think its my cold though).  Also for the first time in about a month today I filled up my water bottle and have drank nearly two litres already. Slowly but surely getting there.

The fridge in work is filled.  The fridge at home is filled.  There is no need for me to be eating crap, in fact there isn’t anything at home for me to be eating thats crap…all the crisps are gone, the coke/diet coke has all been drank and I am unreal broke at the moment so I can’t afford to buy anything like that at all…

This evening for dinner I’m having salmon cakes, baby potatoes and salad…yay..

But I have just booked a weekend away in January, and one of my friends will be home at Christmas time so I am aiming to have lost a stone for Christmas and if I’m really really good over christmas another half a stone before I go away….hopefully anyways!

Never again will I go clubbing on Halloween!

We had drinks in Partner in crimes house before going out, I made vodka haribos and they went down a treat, although made a bit too much!!! We headed in to a bar about 9 oclock and had a few drinks in there.  I was at the bar chatting to a guy when he spots In Deep and Baby Mama and decides to chat to them instead and Baby Mama points out her latest girl crush and tells him that he should definately talk to her.  Off he goes.

So we relaxed and had a few drinks before heading to the club.  The fact that the queue was nearly 100 people deep when we got in to it at half ten should surely have been a sign.  Within 10 minutes of getting into the club (and not getting the free cocktail advertised?) the place was jammers.  There were no seats left.  We were on the second floor leaning against the wall out of people passing by’s way between dancing and disappearing for smokes and to top up drinks for the night.  I spotted a few guys who I liked the look of and got talking to but none of it led anywhere.

I went out for a smoke with baby mama and her other half and they told me they were leaving because the place was too packed and she was on the wrong side of tipsy, so I said goodbye and walked around the club trying to find the rest of the group.  No sign so I texted them to see where they were.

"We couldn’t find you so we left" was the reply I got…are you for real? You didn’t think to bloody ring me and see where I was or at least text and say you were going? I kept calm though and asked where they were.  In a pub on the opposite side of town! They must have left the minute I went outside!!! So I got a biketaxi down to them where I was told In Deep was gone to meet someone else and met Partner in Crimes boyfriends workfriend…

And thats where it all gets hazy.  I have vague memories of being told to get a room.  Vague memories of telling people how great my job is.  Vague memories of being clued to each other.  Vague memories of being in a taxi and very real memories of being left in a hotel room…after being told he had to go home to his girlfriend.

Now I don’t go back to hotel rooms with every tom, dick and harry -  in fact I don’t think I’ve done anything like that in a long long long time, but I was vodka’d up to beyond inebriation, and in the heat of the moment choices are made that are regretted the following morning, perhaps even worse by the fact that no hankypanky beyond serious lob-the-gob was done.

There is no way to describe waking up on Sunday morning with a thumping headache, having to explain my drunken messages to Partner in Crime and that dawning realisation of what actually happened.

Being ditched once in a night is bad form on their part, going back for seconds???  lets just say I’m off the drink for a while!

Its Halloween tomorrow! I’m going out dressed like a slut…well not really i’m going out as the Queen of Hearts but its a low cut, backless dress that is very short with knee high socks and HIGH shoes.  Somehow the knee high socks seem to be making it slightly more slutty.

I’ve never gone out for Halloween dressed up before.  Well no, one year I did wear a witches hat with a black top and jeans but this year I’m actually going all out.  The costume was ordered MONTHS ago, there’s a tiara to go with it.  I have doused myself in fake tan.  I bought blinging jewellery.  I’m even booked in to get my hair done.  The difference? my attitude about how I look has drastically changed.

I know i harped on about it in the last post but its true.  If you have confidence in yourself you will be seen by others as more confident.  And while I still have a bit of work to do I quite like the fact that I am taking more risks in myself. 

I wear dresses in the day time now, mainly shirt dresses but dresses all the same! I got a great one in the river island sale quite like the one below:

Its more navy and red than that one though, and I got navy tights and red pumps to go with it.  I also got a red really oversized cardigan and white pumps to wear with jeans and a white tank top.

I have long jumpers that I now wear as a jumper dress with tights or with jeggings.  I have three of the same one, one in black, one in pink and one in purple.  I have another checked shirt dress in black and white that I wear with black leggings (tucked into boots, I can’t wear them just yet with pumps).  I have another checked shirt (not quite shirt dress) that I wear with jeans or jeggings.  I also have two long cardigans to be worn with jeans.  I have a pair of black boots, a tan pair.  I own a grey and a cream pair of cardigan "ugg" boots and I have numerous pairs of pumps.  I have a LEATHER (fake) jacket that I love.

This time last year I was living in jeans and hoodies or else tshirts with a funny saying on them.  Even this time three months ago I was still doing the same.  I am getting so many compliments from people now, people telling me I’ve lost a lot of weight.  But its not that, its me dressing for my figure.

So yea, I’ve changed. I make an effort now whether, its work, hometime, going out or Halloween.  And I am currently so happy with myself its unreal.  I find myself smiling to myself randomly during the day.

So tomorrow night I’m going to head out with the couples and I’m going to have an amazing time.  I’ll be all dolled up, enjoying myself with my girls, and if I don’t meet a guy - so what? and if I do, well

I have of late been getting quite alot of compliments from both guys and girls.

getting ready in 20 minutes a couple of weeks ago resulted in me getting the most compliments I’ve gotten in a few years I’d say. I’ve also completely changed my wardrobe.  I wear boots or pumps most days.  I haven’t worn runners in six weeks I’d say (yes that includes when I should be at the gym!).  I have jumper dresses, shirt dresses and long cardigans making up my wardrbobe at present.  I also own a leather jacket.

I have my mojo back! I’m not afraid to "get dressed" up during the day or worrying that people will be thinking "where does she think she’s off to???".  I’m still losing weight but I’m not obsessing over every little thing I eat.  I eat healthy but I also allow treats, I know I’ll be a size 12 soon and I’m happy in myself. And I think that could be why I’m getting compliments.

When you’re confident in yourself it shines through. The night I got ready in 20 minutes I honestly did not care what people thought. I tied up my hair, did my make up and threw on a dress.  I had a guy come up to me in the club smoking area saying "I’m not trying to hit on you but you look hot".  Unfortunately I was looking after a drunk friend so I couldn’t chat to him - but from what I remember he was cute!

I’ve also figured out my type is younger.  I have always gone for guys up to two years younger for me, knowingly and unknowingly.  I’m just as immature as they are and its fun.

Baby Mama reckons I should be with someone older because I’m so independent and I can be quite serious but to be honest older bores me.  The thought of spending a night talking about the future instead of being out getting pissed would quite honestly be my idea of a nightmare.  I dated an older man and it was obvious he was ready to settle down!  Spanks but no thanks!

So this weekend I’m going to look like a slut  (its Halloween its allowed!) and if I meet someone fair enough.  If not I’m sure as hell going to have fun looking

Hello there! Up the walls with work and been sick so haven’t had time to post!

1. Father still driving me mental

2. Still haven’t returned to the gym but have paid for improvers swimming lessons so shortly I will take over the swimming world and make my return to the gym!

3. Went out for dinner and drinks with Old School Friend and Girl We Dumped at the weekend, was amazing looking back at the school day drama through "grown up" eyes

4. Currently getting things together for halloween! Have my costume all sorted, making various vodka concoctions and just need to get tan and I’m all set! Treating myself to an hour in the hairdressers chair on sat!

5. No further on buying a car but I’m still taking lessons, I figure if I take enough I could have my full before I buy which could be handy! But its looking like christmas at this stage before I purchase!

I’ll check in soon! Oh yea I’ve lost whatever weight I put on last month through being sick! Wahey!  Back on unislim full time now and will begin the weigh in process again soon!

Wahey!!! I’m back!!!

Still haven’t made my return to the gym, but will do soon! My mother has gone off on her travels so I am left with my father in the evenings.  To most people this wouldn’t be too bad, but my father is an alcoholic who hasn’t so much as looked my way for the past three years when my mothers around but now she’s gone he is literally following me around.  If there’s a mess anywhere "that wasn’t me!", if he does the dishes I have to redo them because he’s so filthy there’s dirt left on them!  After a mini breakdown last night (about 4 hours after she had left the country), I spent the night in the kitchen while he smoked in the sitting room.  Not just normal cigarettes, feckin rollys because he’s too tight to spend drinking money on normal fags!  I spent half an hour spraying the sitting room to get rid of the smell.

I also had to hide whatever food I bought that he might eat because he has a fondness for eating whatever is in plain sight to him.  I mean this with the utmost honesty, think of the town wino and my father is basically just like him except he slinks back into the house at night time because he has nowhere else to go.

My brother hasn’t spoken to him in about 10 years, my Little Sister isn’t bothered seeing him, Oldest Sister has to put up with him calling to her moaning about me and Mum and the Middle Sister comes home once a month so doesn’t have to put up with him.

There are days when I feel bad for just wishing he’d go and leave us to pick up the rest of our lives, and then there are days when I know he made this happen himself.  He chose drink over his family every single day of my life, my sisters lives, and my brothers life.  He has made so many promises when drunk that have been broken but he doesn’t remember them the next morning.

We spent years "hiding" the secret from his family.  They all knew.  There was no secret to hide and in a way I am so angry with them for making us think that we had to pretend he wasn’t in the pub, that the reason he wasn’t at his mothers on Christmas day wasn’t because he fell the night before and had cut his face open.  That Oldest Sister hasn’t had to collect him from the side of the road.  I’m angry with myself more though for trying to hide it. That he has collapsed in front of my nephew countless times.  Only a handful of my friends know how bad the situation is. 

Partner in Crime keeps making excuses for his behaviour (following me around, not cleaning anything properly, eating all the food) and while she might be trying to make me feel better its just frustrating having to repeatedly say "no its not because of that, its because he’s too lazy to wash himself / he thinks that by following me and pretending to have an interest in me it will wipe out the last 3 years / he thinks that by putting whatever food is in the fridge in his pocket that we won’t know it is him eating it all because he doesn’t want to waste his money that he could be spending on drink on food".

People tell me they’ve seen him sitting at a busstop around 9 in the morning.  The busstop is across the road from the pub. 

I am wary of drinking now.  I do go out on nights out and I do get too drunk sometimes but now if I’m on holidays, or a weekend away and someone wants a drink early to get into the holiday spirit, I won’t do it.  I am terrified that if I drink early its one step closer to becoming him.  I don’t even like to drink at home.  Some friends have said I’m a dry-arse, "what’s wrong with ya, just have a drink stop being such a dryshite".

I’m not a dryshite, I’m terrified.

Serious slacking since last week! I haven’t been near the gym since last Wednesday…but went for a long walk last night so not doing too bad!!!

Weight wise I’ve stayed the same, but not too depressed about that, I feel and look alot better, plus I’m back to the gym tomorrow night so it’ll all begin again!

really need to get back into couch to 5k though seriously slacking at the moment!

Haven’t heard a peep out of business owner man since Friday, reckon it was just payback for all the times I’ve said I’d meet him and then never did, oh well!

Dear In Deep,

I know you won’t see this but maybe this will help me vent and get everything off my chest.

1. You have no idea how annoyed I am that you have cancelled another plan, one that was made four months in advance because you can’t get time off work - although you’re doing nearly the same thing with your other half the following night.  I am annoyed that you hadn’t got the guts to tell me, I am annoyed that you really don’t see that you’ve pushed me away and I’m annoyed that I can’t speak to you about this.  I am annoyed that you still haven’t told me you’re not going.  I don’t understand why you are so frightened of telling me things.  I don’t understand why you only want to make plans with your other half - but do not tell me its because I haven’t been in love, that didn’t go down well last time!

2. I am annoyed that you tell your family, work friends and other half (and probably his family) details of my life.  I don’t need everyone knowing when I’m on a diet.  I don’t need people knowing when I spend too much money on something.  I don’t need people knowing when I got a little too drunk.  And I certainly don’t need people thinking I do stuff when I’m out that I never do.

3. I am annoyed that you put up horrible photos, videos and stories on your bebo/facebook of me and when I repeatedly ask and then tell you to take them down you laugh about it.  I am annoyed that I have to hack your account to take down things that should not be up there.

4. I am annoyed that we cannot talk about this and have to resort to "she said/she said".  I am annoyed that my friends are pissed off with me ranting about it.  I am annoyed that you are avoiding the talk we need to have.  I am annoyed that I am annoyed.